Pardon the Mess: Under Construction
Why Your 20's Weren't Meant to Be Put Together
A few days ago I came across the following post on Instagram from Dr. Caroline Leaf:
In it she outlines what happens within the brain at different ages and stages of development. When we think of development, we typically think of childhood. We consider the changes that take place from infancy to toddlerhood, preschool to school ages, or preteen to adolescence. While development is most dramatic during the first two decades of our life, it doesn’t stop there.
I won’t go into the science and specifics of these changes, but I do want to highlight the way Dr. Leaf summarizes the neurobiological changes that take place during your 20’s. She says, “You’re Still Building Your Operating System.”
She goes on to say in the caption, “In your 20s: You feel everything faster, harder, louder. The control center is still wiring up. You crave approval and novelty because your dopamine system is on high alert.”
In other words, you’re under construction.
Your 20’s are Messy
I remember starting my first job at 22 feeling like I was supposed to show up with 25 years of experience. I felt the pressure to be a full-blown, well adjusted, successful adult on day 1. I felt deeply insecure about the things I didn’t know. Every first time felt like a potential magnifying glass that could expose my immaturity. As you can imagine, this part of me that wanted to have things figured out and buttoned up was sorely disappointed to find that your 20s are anything but that.
Your 20’s are messy!
Maybe they feel messy to you because you feel the pressure to be grown up and have everything together.
Maybe they feel messy because you’re still searching for your purpose, struggling to find the things that make your soul sing rather than settling for the things that other people applaud.
Maybe you’re still learning how to pay bills, manage responsibility, and just make it through the month.
Maybe everyone else seems to be moving further along - getting married, pregnant, or promoted - while you seem to be falling behind.
Maybe you lost some friendships that you thought would last a lifetime.
Maybe making new ones isn’t as easy as it used to be.
Maybe the things you feel and the stories you tell yourself seem like they keep getting in the way.
Maybe dating is awkward.
Maybe finding someone and figuring out who you are feel equally impossible and utterly irreconcilable.
Maybe you’re just tired of figuring out what to eat for dinner every night.
Regardless of the reason, your 20’s can be a messy time.
However, messy doesn’t mean you’re a lot. Messy doesn’t make you crazy. Messy isn’t a sign of failure or a mark of falling behind. Mess simply means you’re under construction.
Pardon the Mess
Currently at my office a portion of the property is fenced off. They’re adding a new development. Around the perimeter of the construction site there’s a sign that reads, “Pardon the Mess.”
What if the messiness of your 20’s that you’ve worked so hard to polish or put together doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong? What if its just a sign that you’re under construction? What if all the parts and pieces that aren’t where they “should be” simply point to what’s coming soon?
I say this especially for those of us who have proudly carried the banner of being “mature for our age” throughout our entire upbringing: there is no such thing as advanced placement when it comes to growing up. Building takes time. It makes a mess. But just like a pile of steel beams, a skyline filled with cranes, or the dusty tread marks left behind by bulldozers, the mess is nothing more than the mark of something new that’s underway.
So make the mistakes.
Struggle to balance your budget.
Figure out how to save, who to date, what to do to make a living.
Go to the showers, and know that no one is keeping track of whose had one yet.
Make new friends and don’t be afraid to let friendship look different.
Use your PTO.
Ask for help.
Burn your dinner.
Learn how to apologize.
Find a dentist.
Get your oil changed - and your tires rotated too while you’re at it.
Change the air filter.
Remember to attach the document before you hit send next time.
Get curious and have a conversation about that text before you spiral.
Don’t be afraid to walk away.
Learn how to keep showing up.
Figure it out as you go.
And pardon the mess.
Because you have permission to be under construction.
Here’s the link to the full post if you want to see all the ways your brain changes throughout your lifetime.
